And... We're back! (after...again)
And yes, it isn't just you - these article titles are getting confusing! What's with the 'before/after...again', you ask? This surgery was the second set of gender confirmation surgeries (GCS) I underwent, and at the time of the first surgery, I didn't know/think I would be getting further surgery. Clearly, I didn't appreciate the need for a simpler naming convention!
Context is everything, so if you haven't already checked out Gender Confirmation Surgery and Me - Part Three - you'll want to go do that. There's a lot of background information in it, which will make this post easier to follow.
If you're an astute observer - you'll notice the publish date of that previous post was about 7 months ago (November 2020). My surgery took place shortly after writing it. You may ask, 'Why did it take so long for me to write this follow-up article?' (Especially when I wrote the follow-up article to my first set of surgeries only 11 days after.)
To make a long story short, it wasn't until very recently I felt healed enough to look back objectively at my surgery and recovery. Time tempers all things - and surely makes me forget some details - but you'll get a good 'gist' of things.
To that end, I'm going to step through my experiences starting the day of surgery and through my (ongoing) recovery. I should make clear that the decision to have any kind of gender confirmation surgery is not taken lightly - nor is it a quick process to go from desire to the actual event. I wrote in my previous post about the steps I had to take before even contemplating surgery - it's pretty involved!
I'd also like to remind everyone that surgery is NOT required for all or any transgender people in order to identify with their preferred gender. For me, surgery was the right path - but choosing not to have surgery (for any reason) doesn't make a difference to a person's gender identity. In fact, statistically, few transgender women choose to have genital GCS (5-13%). Oh, and this is probably a good time for me to remind everyone it's NEVER ok to ask a trans or gender non-binary person "what's in their pants."
Really, it's probably good practice to avoid asking anyone (trans or otherwise) what they got going on 'down there'... Unless it's me - because clearly, you're reading an article specifically about what's in my pants - and if you have any remaining questions afterward, drop me a line!
Let's chat about the surgery now.
The procedure I had was a limited-depth vaginoplasty. Also sometimes called a shallow (or zero) depth vaginoplasty. In case you didn't read my other blog post, this basically involves a talented surgeon reforming my penis into the look and function of a vagina. Since I’ve opted for the limited-depth vaginoplasty – there will be very little depth to my vagina. (How many times can I use the word 'vagina' in a short paragraph? Five if you count 'vaginoplasty' - and seven if you count these parenthesis-contained interrupting phrases!)
Yes, there is a point to my commenting on the words. Penis and vagina (and vaginoplasty) are all pretty clinical terms - and not ones I'm used to using much in daily conversation. But more than that, I realize I had a socialized stigma about the word 'vagina' from my living as a male for 35 years. Now that I, myself, have a neo-vagina (that's what it's called - pretty cool phrase, right?), the word has gained more meaning (and less stigma) for me. We should all strive to be more comfortable with the word vagina! See here and here.
Technically, I don't have much of a vagina since I opted for the limited-depth vaginoplasty - and using 'vulva' would be more accurate - but the expression 'neo-vagina' has come to encompass the whole area regardless of vaginal depth. (Slightly confusing, I know.)
Now let's chat about the day-of surgery.
It was a chilly winter morning in early December, and we were driving to the hospital in the tired dark before dawn, ready to don our masks (this was the height of Covid, after all). Elena dropped me off - she wasn't, much to my dismay, allowed to wait at the hospital. Check-in and getting me ready for general anesthesia went pretty well. My first set of surgeries had been at the same hospital, so I already knew what they'd have to do to prep me. I was understandably anxious about everything - but I'm happy to report I did not cry!
Anyone who has been put under general anesthesia (or effects such as 'twilight sleep') knows the feeling of gradural-induced unconscious. The last memory I had pre-surgery was being wheeled into the surgical room (filled with people and strange machines), and being mildly indignant at having to slide myself from the rolling bed onto the surgery table. I remember thinking, "Hey, you're making me work after shooting me up with drugs?!" Hopefully, I didn't say that out loud. Heh.
When I woke up, it was many hours later, and I was being wheeled into my hospital room. The typical stay for a limited-depth vaginoplasty is a night in the hospital (24-hour observation). A full-depth vaginoplasty is typically a week or so in the hospital (one of the many reasons I chose the shallow option).
Day after surgery - looking reasonably happy in my hospital room
Thankfully Elena was allowed to join me in my room - and she was great at keeping my mind off of my discomfort (well, her and whatever wonderful drugs they injected into me when the pain got too intense).
I realize most of you have no desire for me to go into any great detail about my neo-vagina - so I'll try and keep things somewhat vague - but part of the purpose of these posts is to educate others about what I went through, and I can't do that without a certain amount of detail (nothing too graphic, though).
Overall, the immediate recovery from my GCS was just horrible. Truly an awful experience I wouldn't wish on my second-to-worst enemy. (I would totally wish it on my worst enemy... hey, I'm not a saint.)
I usually consider myself pretty pain-tolerant... I'm always banging up my legs or getting little cuts on my hands while doing workshop-related things - but this recovery really made me appreciate the number of nerves in our groin areas (hint: it's a lot). *shudder*
So yeah, it hurt. A lot.
Anyone who has surgery like this has to wear a catheter for the first ten days or so. This is a necessity since peeing would be impossible with all the swelling going on. No one really likes a catheter, but my body seemed especially annoyed at having one inside itself. Annoyed and angry. It was difficult to do anything with that wretched tube running down my leg - as any movement would cause waves of pain. Not that I was doing much walking around during those first ten days! There was a lot of laying in bed, eating in bed, watching YouTube videos in bed, sleeping in bed, etc... (you get the idea). Without Elena to take care of me, I would never have been able to write this article - because I'd be dead. I would have been dehydrated from constant sobbing. (Dark, I know.)
no-good, very bad, terrible catheter
After ten days, I had the first of many post-surgery visits with my surgeon, and she removed my catheter (yay!). Having that hellish thing out of me was wonderful. I still had a lot of healing to go, but it was a really important step.
Without a catheter, I had to relearn how to urinate. Things were still very swollen down there, so this was a messy process at first (pee just kinda goes everywhere!). That eventually became easier, but the penis-having mental mindset of 'aim to pee' was interesting to get over.
All this time I was having to wear layers of compression shorts (think tight bike shorts) and would have to continue to wear them for a few months following surgery. Along the same lines, I was also forbidden to sit down for 6 to 8 weeks following surgery - so as not to stress the stitches.
I also had a decent regimen of pills to take - painkillers, anti-inflammatory drugs, anti-nausea meds, etc. - not surprising when following major surgery. In my personal experience with this surgery (and my last one), Advil was my best drug friend - as the swelling was a major cause of pain and discomfort. Ice packs were also my friend, and I don't think I was ever without one during the first month or so of recovery. (I still use ice packs even now when I'm sore.)
Speaking of swelling, it took a long time for it to go down. Even now (almost 7 months later), I'm still sore (though not as swollen). Everyone who goes through surgeries like this recovers at a different rate, and I suspect my recovery was a bit rougher than most.
Thankfully my surgeon has been attentive, and I've been to see her in person (or digitally) a number of times since the surgery. Healing in such a sensitive area can take time, and lots of questions come up about whether or not something is healing properly. I tend to be a bit anxious about this kind of thing - so it's important I have someone I can ask. In fact, I have another meeting with her in a few weeks. Yay!
I just realized I've been discussing all the pain and discomfort of the surgery and recovery, and I haven't mentioned the most important thing yet...
And that is how fantastically happy I am to have my neo-vagina! All the pain and discomfort was, ultimately, totally worth it. It was the right decision for me - and while I was pretty unhappy with the pain of early recovery, I realized no great change could happen without personal effort and cost.
I'm also going to give another shout-out to my lovely wife, Elena - without whom I would have never survived (seriously). Having a strong support system is so very important for trans people (whether they are having surgery or not)!
If this all sounds like a lot to go through for a part of my body few people see, you’re not wrong. But unless you’ve experienced something similar, it’s hard for me to explain just how incredibly important it was to make my body more in line with my desired gender identity.
One reason I wrote this post is to educate others about my experiences as they relate to medical transgender issues. I’m obviously, very open about my transgender journey and status – so feel free to ask questions!
I have lots more interesting things to say about my neo-vagina, but I'm going to save some of that for future posts!
Till then, I'll leave you with an image - I can now wear slightly-inappropriate stretch pants without any penis-related bump in the front! (*Pow!* Take that, gender dysphoria!) :)
Who knew lounge clothing could be so comfy
-Lia
Contact Me
My Writings (Transgender Woodworker content)
Artfully Functional (my studio)
LiaZero.com (all my online content)
My Writings (Transgender Woodworker content)
Artfully Functional (my studio)
LiaZero.com (all my online content)