Respecting Anxiety in Yourself and Others

OK, so I started writing this post many months ago - but was too anxious to finish it.  My opening line was: "I have so many things to be anxious about right now - it's a wonder I can get anything done!"

I would think about what I wanted to say and my eyes would get all big and wet with tears and I would have to go do something else - like mow the lawn or cook lasagna.

I'm less (ish) anxious now, so I decided to return to this post.

First of all - if you have serious questions / concerns about anxiety in yourself or others, please visit a reputable agency to learn more!  Such as the ADAA (Anxiety and Depression Association of America).  

I was an educator and wood/metal shop supervisor for a number of years.  In this position, I dealt with a number of anxious people.  Most of that anxiety was perfectly natural (self-preservation type) anxiety.  After all, I'd be anxious, too, using a large table saw for the first time.  Part of my job was to sooth away those anxieties - making sure people had enough training, knowledge, and self-confidence to safely use big tools like the table saw.  I taught hundreds of people safe tool usage - and never once sent someone to the hospital (*pats self on back*).

I should mention that my  experience as an educator and shop supervisor took place before I began gender transition.  I was thus viewed as a guy - a self-described somewhat-gruff and rude-ish kind of guy.  I've always valued efficiency and safety over all things, so my concerns about getting things done efficiently (and safely) took precedent over being super nice to everyone.  I realize observations on my personality at the time (being pre-transition and all) could fill up several posts - so I'll confine myself to the anxiety theme for now.

When dealing with a large number of students and a large amount of work there wasn't much time to waste.  Anyone who has spent time in the south (as I have) will understand that southern folks like to talk...  and talk... and talk some more.  As you can image, this isn't great for productivity -  I'm from Chicago - so I didn't have any patience for that.  My favorite trick for not getting sucked into a long winded southern conversation was to simply walk away - or interrupt and 'suggest' we get back to work.

Yeah, rude, I know.  At that time I could be something of an unaware, unempathetic ass...but no longer, gender transition was wonderful for my emotional awareness!

That being said, I've always found southerners to be charming and friendly.  They generally didn't even hold a grudge when I was accidentally rude to them! :)  And by now I've lived in the south long enough to absorb some southern affectations of my own....  But I digress.

Back to the anxiety.
A few times over the years I would get a student who was (I now realize) struggling with more severe anxiety.  Someone who might, as an example, burst out crying when prompted to use a power tool.  I didn't have the emotional awareness to appreciate what they were feeling.  And since I couldn't understand it, I didn't think it was very important.

Years later, while dealing with my own gender-transition-related anxiety, I finally understood how those students felt.  I starting thinking back and putting myself into other people's shoes - and it made me feel absolutely terrible.  This is part of the reason this post has been difficult for me to write...  Because, you know, I don't enjoy feeling terrible.  (Yep, my eyes are all big and tear-filled right now... meh.)

Being sad and crying has been a big symptom of my anxiety.  Also, feeling scared / frightened, incredibly uncomfortable, and hopeless.

Before I start depressing myself, I should say I'm (thankfully) not as anxious now as I was when I started gender transition.  I believe the huge hormone shifts were tough for me at the beginning of HRT (hormone replacement therapy).  But I still have little bouts with anxiety - generally brought on by emotional circumstances, but sometimes just randomly occurring.  I'm able to be more objective and self-reflective about it now - but that doesn't stop me from feeling terrible sometimes.

It's somewhat common for transgender and other gender nonconforming folks to have some history with anxiety.  Gender Dysphoria is intense - as are the emotions associated with all the stages of gender transition.

It's important for me to mention you certainly don't have to be on the LGBTQ spectrum to feel anxiety.  Anxiety can be serious - and as the title of this post suggests, it needs to be respected in ourselves and others!  It also needs to be discussed and better understood by everyone so the social stigmas surrounding it can be lessened.

To learn more about anxiety (in its many forms) - I suggest taking a look at the ADAA (Anxiety and Depression Association of America).

It took me experiencing my own anxiety to finally understand and respect it in others.  I believe this has made me a better, more empathic, person.  At the very least, I'll be much more understanding with any future students who feel anxious about using big power tools!

 -Lia

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